Who I am

Torn.

As of writing; I am a chronically depressed 20 year old residing in Finland. Gender, draw your own conclusion.

I love living things, I'm one of those pesky environmentalists. It's also why I became a (bow) hunter, granted I only completed the degree and have yet to really do it. It is complicated, but in short sometimes hunting kills less than food from agricultural means does. I don't like that, even just killing fish made me cry a little, but such is life.

I have a degree in game development and I'm in the process of a higher one. If I live a year or two I should be a programmer at Supercell or an equivalent. A rather technical profession for someone who really just wants to live in a forest.

I love hugs and cuddles and all things related, though maybe that is because I live as a recluse.

How I am

Alone.

Few things make me more afraid than being left to my thoughts. I remember what I am and what I always will be, alone.

The last time I had a friend in person was 7 years ago and I have never dated. I rarely meet new people in my environment. But there is another reason. While I love living things, I don't find most people compelling enough to want to be with.

I see parts of myself in other people, but few do I sincerily understand. I know they exist, though the odds of meeting them are next to none. It doesn't help I'm still disappointed with what I am, though it has improved with starvation and learning a few more things.

I don't understand most people. Being with them feels more lonely than being alone. I think the average person is quite nice, but I feel like I can't be vulnurable around them.

What I am

Cruel.

I want to be loving and compassionate but then I do things like this. I know I can't be helped, yet I'm making you read this? Crying out to people knowing they can't help? Hurting others for pity is what it is.

There are things I truly do out of love without strings attached. But far too often am I just convincing myself to do selfish acts under it's guise. I'm desperate and deprived. I have met with a couple strangers online whose names I didn't know or what they looked like. I didn't even like them that much, I just wanted to be held by someone. It was cruel to lead them on just for a hug but that is the sort of thing I've started doing.

People like me are not worth pitying. But please don't build resentment, there is so much hatred already. Just be indifferent.

What I will be

Dead.

That's right, you just found your hopefully first and last suicide note on the personal web, congratulations! Making a joke of this is my method of coping with how serious this is! Though I will very likely still be alive until spring of ~ 2025 or 2026.

I had prepared some clever euphanisms but I think the world needs more bluntness. My only long term plan has been to go to a forest, live there for maybe a week or two, then kill myself. I've tried to arrange it but it's hard to number your days when you know it will inflict a lot of emotional distress to others. It feels unfair, I never chose the responsibility of a family. I shouldn't have to stop myself from doing what I want because of them. But fair or not, it doesn't change the fact they are emotionally invested.



I will help with archery or if you have problems of your own.

But please, don't contact if your intention is to help.
I will never get to hug you or sleep next to you. If you turn out to be a nice person, it will only make me cry.